Unky & Chunky’s Big Vacation, The Conclusion

Chunky couldn’t shake his growing nausea. Unky, his best and closest friend, had left him at the dumpster for that Gurdie May Wastebinder. It was just so wrong.

A Scheming Raccoon

Chunky was in no way happy about losing his friend to the flap-hatted dumpster gal, even if she was from Doofus County and heiress to the Wastebinder Happy Worm Farm fortune.

So he started scheming. He needed a plan, or something better. He thought, “What would make that sappy eyed Unky sit up and take notice?” Some the schemes included:

  • Setting fire to the dumpster
  • Leaping table to table in the Moo Cow Drive In
  • Holding a Main Street rally with local raccoons

But none of those seemed right.

And Then It Happened

While Chunky was scheming, he noticed a big tent at the end of town. It was one of those traveling carnivals. Being naturally nosey, he waddled over and started sniffing around. All of sudden a woman was yelling, “What are you doing here you hairy little varmint?”

She was about to put the broom to him when she realized he was no ordinary raccoon, but a sad, semi-domesticated raccoon, which softened her heart. It turned out she was one of the carny attractions, “Matilda the Yak Woman,” with horns. She invited Chunky in and they became fast friends. She even asked him to become part of her show. He’d wear a little tuxedo and take tickets from the customers.

yak woman
Matilda: Chunky’s New Friend 

It Was All Coming Together

Things were looking up for Chunky. If Unky thought the worm heiress was more important than their friendship, then just let him get a whiff of him with the horn-headed carny gal.

Later That Night

Later that night, back at the Doo Bear Inn, Unky couldn’t stop jabbering about Gurdie. That’s when Chunky mentioned that he had met someone too and was excited for Unky and Gurdie to meet her. Well, Unky was a little surprised, and curious, and agreed to go the carnival.

The Carnvial

Unky and Gurdie arrived at the big top along with 27 other people; it was a packed house. Then out walked Chunky in his little tuxedo, grinning ear to ear, and Matilda the Yak Woman was introduced. She walked around the ring to the amazement of several. Some clapped, others whistled, and one even fainted, but he would be okay. Then she walked over to Chunky, picked him up and gave him a big kiss on the head. Chunky just turned to butter; kissed by the Yak Woman, the star of the big top.

chunky in a tux
Chunky: A Carnival Star

Unky To The Rescue

The crowd was going crazy. Maybe twenty, or even fewer, were on their feet. It was just so sweet to see Matilda and Chunky together, entertaining the crowd, and striking a blow for animal rights everywhere.

But Unky couldn’t believe it. That woman in antlers had stolen his best and closest friend. So Unky upped and jumped into the ring and demanded she put Chunky down. Chunky, still smiling, wasn’t ready to be put down. So Unky said, “Chunky, you get down right now, and get out of that ridiculous tuxedo, and go get packed cause we’re going home. And he did.

A Bitter Farewell

It was a bitter farewell. Unky and Gurdie May were teary eyed for losing their love of a lifetime. Matilda was sad over losing her hit show; it was the biggest thing to happen to the carnival in weeks.

And Chunky? Well, he was just smug and insufferable: he won his best friend back; and got rid of the flap-hatted woman in the process. And he got to have his 15 minutes of fame under the big top.

the big top
The Big Top: Where Stars Are Born

He would miss the life of a carnival star, and his little tux, and especially the Yak Woman. But it was time to go home; Unky and Chunky’s big vacation was over. And there was a Moo Cow paper bag with his name on it.

So Chunky got into the bag, Unky got them on the bus, and with memories for a lifetime; they joyfully headed home to Doofus County.

The End

Watch for more adventures with Unky & Chunky.

Unky & Chunky’s Big Vacation, Pt 3

At The Doo Bear Inn

Unky and Chunky got checked in at the Doo Bear Inn. Unky had not seen such fanciness and neither had Chunky.

They figured out the hair dryer wasn’t a rechargeable flashlight. Unky rejected the offer of turndown service. He felt he had been turned-down enough in his life. He gave up on the TV clicker. At home, he just had Chunky go over and turn the knob like everybody else. Chunky fed quarters in the box that made his bed shake. He just lay there with a big smile, for hours.

Then The Magic Moment

The man came to drive them to the dumpster. Unky said, “Yahoo Chunky, we is going to see the bears.” Unky handed the driver his voucher, slipped him a $1.00 tip, and stuffed Chunky in a shopping bag.

Two minutes later, they arrived. The bears were already in the dumpster and ripping the garbage bags. Unky was beside himself with amusement, the bears were just like he’d seen on the TV.

Local Bears Consuming Area Garbage: Voucher Required 

But Chunky was getting irritated and decided to break out. He climbed up, looked at those big, fat, dumb bears and off he went. The bears saw him snarling with that fierce grin and menacing look and froze. They thought they might be killed or worse.

angry chunky
Chunky: Fierce Grin and Menacing Look

Bits of fur were flying everywhere. Chunky was holding his own until he got paw slapped against the dumpster. He was slug-like; dazed and defeated.

Then out of nowhere, someone walked up and waved the bears away. Unky was amazed the person wasn’t afraid, since most people are skittish around Chunky. And the bears were getting surely too.

The stranger reached down and patted Chunky on his battered little head, then picked him up and faced the van.

Chunky in a dumpster
Chunky: Dazed and Confused

It was love at first sight.

She was a fellow animal lover and a nearly handsome woman. She was wearing a plaid hat with the earflaps down; her thick glasses reflected the light in a special way. She was wearing an “I Heart Dumpster Bears” t-shirt, same as Unky. They both got one at the gift shop located in the back of the van. Yep, she was a keeper.

Then Chunky, reviving from the paw wallop, reached up and accidentally knocked her teeth out. “O boy, she’s just like me,” Unky thought. She smiled her toothless little smile and said, “Hi, I’m Gurtie May Wastebinder, who are you?” Then Unky did something so unlike him; he reached up and took his own teeth out. Without another word, Unky and Gurtie May were thick as ticks and walked off hand in hand to the Moo Cow Shack for an ice cream soda.

Poor Chunky

Poor Chunky was left behind, alone. And he was getting mad at Unky for making a fool of himself. His best buddy was sitting there with that woman with the ear flaps, sharing a soda; and was doing pretty good in spite of not having his teeth.

Unky began telling her about life in Doofus County when Gertie May suddenly lit up and said that she was from Doofus County too!

“Are you related to BoBo and BeBe Wastebinder, of the Wastebinder Happy Worm Farm,” asked Unky? She said, “I sure am.”

Unky, full of glee, blissfully slurped.

What’s A Raccoon To Do?

Chunky felt a certain surge. It wasn’t jealousy or anger. It was nausea. He couldn’t let this flap-hatted interloper steal his best and closest friend. So he set to scheming on how to save his friendship.

Stay tuned for Part 4 and the conclusion of: Unky and Chunky’s Big Vacation

Unky & Chunky’s Big Vacation

scary man   Chunky smiling

An Odd Thing

It’s uncommon for the good folks of Doofus County to take vacations. Life there is so laid-back and unproductive that going somewhere to relax would just be odd.

Here’s What Happened

One day my Uncle Unky went over to the Food & Such to pick up some frozen pizzas for Chunky. (Chunky is a raccoon and is Unky’s best and closest friend.)

As he walked into the store it suddenly went nilly-willy. The lights flickered, a balloon came down, and it was pandemonium. The manger rushed up and congratulated Unky on being the 700th Food & Such shopper! A grand prize came with the prestigious honor.

Well, Unky was just undone and he nearly lost his teeth. The prize was an all expenses paid trip to the Colorado Mountains. Unky was flummoxed, as he had never been outside of Doofus County, except for that one time when he had to appear in court for Chunky’s drunk and disorderly charge.

The grand prize package included:

  1. A seat on a charter bus.
  2. A voucher for a bag of piggy puffs and a lime soda.
  3. Overnight accommodations for one for one night.
  4. Coupons to local fast food places.
  5. A voucher to visit a local dumpster frequented by bears.

It just bedazzled Unky as he had always wanted to see a bear.

A Local Attraction: Voucher Required

But Then…

In his jubilation Unky shouted, “Oh boy, me and Chunky is going to see the bears.” Then the hard reality of being a major award winner hit him. The Food & Such manager said, “Sorry Unky, but the trip is just for one, Chunky will have to stay home.”

Unky was crestfallen. For the second time in three minutes he nearly lost his teeth.

He said, “I can’t leave Chunky behind, he’s my best and closest friend.”

NOTE: The family has some concerns about Unky and Chunky’s relationship. But if he makes Unky happy, then we say good for Chunky.

Well, the manager wasn’t backing down; and the Food & Such sure wasn’t paying an extra $17.25 so a raccoon could have a seat on the bus. And he was pretty sure that the bus driver wouldn’t allow a raccoon to get on anyway. So poor old Unky took his grand prize envelope of coupons and vouchers and sadly shuffled home.

Then Genius Fell

About a quarter mile from home, Unky felt something like a blow to the head. It was an idea. He would sneak Chunky on the bus and the two of them would go together. It was pure genius!

It was to be a trip of a lifetime. Unky would get to see the dumpster bears and Chunky would get to eat the garbage. It was a win-win. 

Chunky in a dumpster
That Chunky Sure Loves His Garbage

Colorado mountains here we come!

To be continued…

Look For Part Two of “Unky and Chunky’s Big Vacation”

An Unky & Chunky Picnic



Normally, an unmarried middle-aged man wouldn’t choose a semi-domesticated raccoon for a best friend. But I know one who did, my Uncle Unky.

scary man   Chunky smiling

They are very close. The family has concerns, and some questions, but who are we, and who are any of us, to judge the happy choices of a man not entirely well, or normal.


One day, Unky and Chunky decided to have a picnic. They filled an old Piggly Wiggly grocery bag with some left overs and out they went. Unky was careful to set the door lock, which is just a bungee cord attached to the knob and hooked into the Frog’s Mouth Mail Box duct taped to the trailer. Unky loves that mail box! He got it one night on the home shopping network while washing his socks in the sink.

Well, back to the picnic. They walked down to the field next to the Doofus County Landfill, its close to home and offers a nice view. He enjoys sniffing and clawing around in the filth and Chunky really enjoys the garbage. So it’s a fav. 

Chunky in a dumpster.jpg
That Chunky Loves His Garbage

Anyway, there they were, all spread out on the painting-tarp picnic blanket, enjoying some leftover Lima bean salad and boiled ham when out of no where came a group of raucous raccoons.

Chunky and his freinds
The Raucous Raccoons

Apparently, the angry horde had recently claimed the field for themselves and didn’t appreciate odd people picnicking without permission. Chunky got his dander up and before you could count to two, there was a tussle the likes of which Unky had never seen, or wanted too. 

angry chunky.jpg
Chunky At His Menacing Worst

Those feisty critters were sneering and snarling and sneering some more and making all kinds of menacing sounds. Little tufts of grey and black fur just flew through the air. It was a sight. It went on and on and seemed like it would never end. But after a minute it did. 

One of the values of having a semi-domesticated raccoon is his ability to handle complex machinery. Turns out Chunky was quite the heavy equipment operator. 

chunky at the wheel.jpg
Chunky At The Wheel: Go Chunky!

Before Uncle Unky could yell, “Careful Dude,” Chunky had buried those interlopers under three feet of sticky-stinky garbage. They eventually wormed their way out, but they won’t soon be back. They ran like scalded dogs. Or worse. 

raccoons running away
They Ran Like Scalded Dogs

Well, after the Raccoon Rumble, Unky and Chunky were all stressed out. They folded their paint-tarp picnic blanket, tossed their picnic bag on the landfill and headed back.

In their euphoric bliss at getting home they forgot to unhook the bungee form the Frog’s Mouth Mail Box. The door came slamming back on Uncle Unky and smacked him right in the back of his front. He couldn’t do much for a few days, you know, with being confined to his inflatable donut. (Home Shopping Network)


It was a good day to get some fresh air and share a fun adventure! 

Until next time…..