Overcoming Loss, Part Two


In Monday’s blog,  Overcoming Loss, Part One I mentioned losing my teddy bear Charlie. He would he never be replaced, but there were new things to look forward to. Can we look forward to new things when the losses are more significant? 

Loss is when we give our best effort and still lose. It’s about relationships broken by death or conflicts. Another kind is when we lose ourselves. 

There are many kinds of loss, some more difficult than others.



The toughest loss is losing someone: a dearly loved spouse, one of our kids, a heartbreaking divorce. 

Recovering is about the stages of recovery. There are five of them and it’s helpful to know about them, take a look:. https://grief.com/the-five-stages-of-grief/

widow 2
The bride of three years or thirty, doesn’t matter, it all hurts.

Establishing a new normal will take time, even years, and the first will be the hardest. It’s hard because the person can never be replaced. But maybe there are other people to love and who love you. There may yet be something to look forward to.


  1. Losing a job can feel like death. It’s not unusual for unemployed people to grieve as if someone has died. 
  2. Professionals say it takes one month of searching for every $10,000 earned. If you are tying to replace a $100,000 position then it could take a year to find it. That can be very discouraging and financially difficult. 
  3. The lost job will never be restored. But it wasn’t the only job, there may yet be a new position even better than the last one.


  1. Losing yourself is losing self-respect, dignity, even integrity and character. Those losses are hard to accept and challenging to repair. It’s because they come out of your soul and ripped from your heart. 
  2. Reclaiming yourself isn’t easy. You may want to consider professional assistance. But there is good news. Unlike the first two kinds of losses, the loss of self can be restored. You have heart, a soul and determination. You can get better! 


Don’t give up on God. If you are angry with him then tell him about it and get work to get that relationship where it needs to be. He is a fine companion when we are hurting. 

god lending a hand
We all need a little help, especially when grieving. It’s better with God than without him.


Read/listen to good books. Find encouragement, helpful information and motivation. 

Establish a schedule and stick with it. Don’t binge Netflix eight hours a day. Determine  each day the time you will spend job searching. Maybe find some friends to have coffee with and socialize. Keep up the house and yard. Stay busy. Be productive. Pray. 


After Jesus was resurrected the apostle Peter returned to Galilee to fish. Not for recreation but to resume his commercial fishing business. Fishing wasn’t his destiny, but until he figured that out he stayed busy and productive. 

A key difference between believers and unbelievers is this: believers hurt and grieve just like unbelievers, but people of faith have someone greater than themselves . I would rather grieve having the Holy Spirit in my life then grieve without him. 


Loss is a huge topic. I pray something I’ve written has been helpful. So, from a veteran of loss to those who may be starting:  

Don’t give up, keep looking for a better day, it will come.

Overcoming Loss, Part One


My earliest memory of loss was Charlie. In moving back to the US after four years in England Charlie was mysteriously misplaced. That was the explanation, misplaced, I had doubts and to this day, I till do.  

Charlie was my teddybear and closest friend.

I was five years old, brokenhearted and crushed, and that’s not pulling on the knot too hard. But I soldiered on and let him go, mostly. 

teddy bear
Not me or my teddy bear, but close, really very close.


Losses of greater proportion were in my future. I’ve known heart breaking, gut wrenching and mind numbing loss. I expect most of us have.

Some Of My Greater Losses:

  1. a stillborn child
  2. friends in fatal accidents
  3. death of family members 
  4. shattered relationships 

Losses That Were Not People

  1. a forced exit
  2. my self-respect 
  3. losing much when much was at stake 
  4. losing hope and accepting defeat 


There is no greater loss than the one that rips your heart out, such as the sudden death of a loved spouse, the death of your child, or the gut wrenching pain of an unwanted divorce. 

men and women who have failed

Loss comes in all sizes, flavors, and stages of life. Loss comes to us all, there are no exemptions. It can so overwhelm us that we get lost in our losses. They defeat us, take away our joy, and hover over us like dark, low hanging clouds.

Will we defeat the debilitating effects of  loss or will they define us for life?


In Part Two of, “Overcoming Loss,” I’ll address the above questions as best I can. I hope to  give encouragement and valuable suggestions laced with wisdom. 

But for now I’ll leave you with this quote from President Lyndon Johnson,

“Yesterday is not ours to recover, but tomorrow is ours to win or lose.”

Do you believe that? Does it work for you? Overcoming a lingering loss can seem a mountain to steep to climb. But there is hope. Don’t give up.

Look for Part Two on Wednesday morning. 

Overcoming Betrayal, Part Two


Her husband moved out to move in with someone else.

The long promised promotion was given to a lesser employee.

The investigator’s report revealed one affair after another. 

Discovering her best friend was the one who stabbed her in the back.



The pain of betrayal can be so damaging that the betrayed are unable to trust, or love, or move forward with their lives. 

Broken trust often results in broken lives.


  1. Blind sided you, you just didn’t see it coming.
  2. Was someone you believed would never hurt you. 
  3. Devastates marriages and destroys relationships.  
  4. Was intentionally reckless, leaving a trail of broken people. 


  1. Can become obsessed with self-incrimination. 
  2. Are filled with bitterness and thoughts of revenge. 
  3. Are often unable to let go of the pain and embarrassment. 
  4. Sometimes retreats into a dark emotional place, and stays there.
Is betrayal the worst cut of all? 



THE LONG HAUL-the first step is to acknowledge that recovery will take time. Of course, it depends on the kind of betrayal, but for the worst kind, it may take a year, or two, or even longer. Deep betrayal is not unlike a death, causing grief and pain. Betrayal can also create deep anger and bitterness. It’s going to take some time to work through it so be patient. You are in for the long haul. 

CLARITY-recovery will include some introspection: “Why didn’t I see it coming?” or “How could I have trusted him?” and “Am I stupid, gullible, or blind?” Recovery wrestles with tough questions. You may discover that you’ve been naive or living in denial. If you have a history of relationships that end with you being ended, then gaining some emotional intelligence may be in order.

A HEART OF STONE-a stone heart isn’t healthy. Invulnerability only locks your pain inside. Never trusting again is a natural reaction, but it isn’t good. Be advised, you will likely experience a phase encouraging emotional withdrawal while seeking angry revenge, don’t let it consume you. Healthy forward progress isn’t found in closing your heart but in letting it open. It’s choosing a path that will lead to your best life. 

WISE SUPPORTnot walling yourself off means staying available for healthy support. Overcoming betrayal almost certainly requires assistance from others. Choose carefully. If you have family and friends that love and care for you then don’t let pride and embarrassment hold you back. We all need help now and then. Finding wise support is good and healthy. You may also need professional help. Find the support you need.



Jesus was betrayed. He knew it was coming but I’m guessing it still hurt. How did Esau feel when his mother and brother stole their father’s blessing? Did King David’s affair with Bathsheba violate trust within his household? How did Moses feel when he found his brother and fellow Israelites engaged in pagan worship? 

Many of us know betrayal in its various and toxic forms. Perhaps this blog is being read by some who have done the betraying? 


A blog can’t address all the needs, questions and issues created by betrayal. But I hope it’s offered some encouragement and comfort to those living with its wounds. 

So, to those who have been betrayed, know that I am one of you, and I pray that God will bless you and be with you on your journey to overcome betrayal’s pain. 


Overcoming Betrayal, Part One


Betrayed or Betrayal

“to deliver by treachery or disloyalty”

“willingly and willfully violating a trust”

“to reveal or disclose a confidence”

Little else cuts as deep or hurts as much as betrayal. The nature of betrayal is to willfully fracture the trust extended from another. It fractures the respect within a marriage, friendship, or close association. 

Is betrayal the worst cut of all?


  1. Vows shattered by abuse, adultery, or abandonment.
  2. By making public a closely guarded intimacy of another.
  3. Being used, manipulated and then disregarded.
  4. Stabbed in the back by a friend, partner, or employer.
  5. Promises openly given but deviously broken. 

There are many kinds of betrayal, too many. 


When betrayed we feel subdued and defeated. We feel used and abused. Broken people will often attempt to break us too, using betrayal to gain their victory. 

The pain runs deep because it is such a violating act. It’s an abuse of our respect and trust. It breaks our hearts and crushes our spirit. 



Moving past betrayal is hard because we are not only grieved, but often angry and vengeful. It’s not uncommon for betrayed people to entertain thoughts of revenge. The betrayed wants to hurt the betrayer. 


In Wednesday’s blog I’ll try to help those who have been betrayed. The answers aren’t found in getting even, but in letting go.

I’ll give examples and offer some hopefully helpful hints for recovery. I say, “Hints” because overcoming betrayal requires gentle and sensitive language; more of a scalpel than a broad sword. 

So, stay strong, hang in there, and don’t give up. 

Cheering For The Home Team

I got to attend a 7th grade football game. It was epic. My VLOG will tell it all.

Have a Look

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Overcoming Our Bad DNA, Part Two


“People don’t change,” is something I’ve heard my whole life. Would that be an example of the Nurture argument for behavior, that people aren’t predisposed with a will to change? Actually, people can and do change. But certain aspects of our behavior can be more difficult to change than others. Within that difficulty comes the sense of being too hard, and so,

“People don’t change.”

different kinds of people
Emotionally, we all come in different shapes and sizes and from various life situations. Can we overcome our issues?


In the Jesus narrative we learn about Simon Peter and Judas Iscariot. The former denied Jesus and the latter betrayed him. The first wept bitterly but was able to reconcile with Jesus. The second evidently chose a different path, he took his own life.

Both men failed Christ. However, Peter was able to alter his behavior and move on, but not Judas. I don’t know why one was able to change and the other couldn’t. Did Peter rely on a greater and higher strength while Simon only obsessed over what he had done and plunged into despair?

 I’m a believer in change. I believe with the Spirit’s help:

Change can happen.



STEP 1, OWN IT: Denial and disinformation keep us stuck in the mud. If we maintain denial about a behavior, and if we feed our minds the message that we are fine then change remains unnecessary. To overcome a behavior:

We must own our need to change.

STEP 2, GET SPIRITUAL: Almost all needed change is likely something the Holy Spirit is prompting within us. It’s hard enough to change on our own, so why make it harder by resisting the Spirit? Inviting the Spirit to help and support us is an excellent step towards recovery.

Holy Spirit, please lead and guide us to make healthy changes.

STEP 3, REACH OUT: There may be people you need to talk to. You may want to approach a parent, or someone from your past who contributed to that part of you that needs to change. Approaching them to gain understanding may help you. Confronting them if they willfully hurt or damaged you will help to forgive them. It will facilitate your own healing and the ability to let go of unwanted attitudes and behaviors The apostle Paul wrote in Colossians 3:13:

“Forgive as the Lord forgave you.” 

STEP 4, BE PATIENT: Changing behavior, even with the Spirit’s support, takes time. Don’t make it be about how long, but on how much you want to change, on your commitment to overcoming. Bad attitudes and hard emotions take time to resolve. Replacing them with good attitudes and positive emotions will also take time. Don’t give up, don’t get discouraged, and definitely: 

Resist the urge to view setbacks as failure. 


I learned something from my father, something that was transmitted to me in childhood. He had many good attributes, but he struggled with a poor self-image and low self-esteem. When faced with set backs or failures he would say with strong emotion, “I can’t do anything right.” He was plagued with all that and I was plagued with it too. I fought it for years. Through the help of good people and applying the steps above, I discovered where my self-esteem issues came from and why I felt the way I did. I needed to change my core identity. It wasn’t easy and it took a long time, but I did it. Today I am much improved and living my best life.

For a long time I was overcome with some Bad DNA. But I learned to overcome it, to not let it defeat me. And so can you.

Change can happen.


Overcoming Our Bad DNA



Do you believe in hardwire behavior? It’s the idea of being genetically predisposed to certain behaviors such as alcoholism, anger, violence and other such things. It would mean we could blame our genes for being too heavy or too skinny. Certainly our appearance comes from our genes. It might even explain an aversion to green beans or the love for football. This illustrates the Nature theory. 

However, much research has explored whether personality and inherited characteristics are the result of the environment in which we were raised. It’s the Nurture side of the debate, that behaviors and attitudes are learned in early childhood and carried with us into our adult lives. 

 Examples of Nature or Inherited Behavior?

  1. Red heads are predisposed to anger. 
  2. Irishmen are natural-born drinkers.
  3. Females are more naturally fearful than males. 
  4. “I was born to hate.” 

Examples of Nurture or Generational Transmission

  1. Low self-esteem or negative self-image.
  2. Prejudice, hatred and violence towards certain groups. 
  3. Wife and child abuse.  
  4. “Grandpa was like that, so was Dad, and so am I” 

Are any of those eight ideas rooted in fact? Are any of them true? Have they been established by scientific study?


We may not like certain aspects of ourselves. Aspects that were either transmitted in childhood or received at birth. People can struggle with behaviors and attitudes that overcome them, creating many kinds of conflict in adult life. Do we accept it for the way it is, that we have to live with it? Or can we overcome our, “Bad DNA?”

different kinds of people
Are we hardwired for personality and behavior? Or did we learn it from home?


Whether it’s hardwired or something we were taught, many struggle with habits, behaviors and attitudes assimilated in childhood.

In Wednesday’s blog I’ll try to give some encouragement and some hopefully helpful steps in overcoming some of what we’ve carried since childhood. Things that defeat subdue us.

On Wednesday: “Overcoming Our Bad DNA, Part Two”