Key Steps To A Better You

I’m pausing my regular blog to offer these four easy to becoming a better you. Please note that these are key steps, as opposed to non-key steps. Your non-key steps can be useful, but not very.

First Key Step: Have exercise equipment delivered to your home. It doesn’t matter what it is, just order it. Commit to a ninety day goal of getting  committed, like the infomercial said. After ninety days, return the exercise stuff, or eBay it. Clearly it doesn’t work. FYI: you probably should have removed it from the box. (just a suggestion)

Second Key Step: Arrange your life to get eight hours of uninterrupted sleep, nine is better. Buy a foam pillow and the most expensive mattress you can find, and sheets with at least a 9,853 thread count. Drink no liquids after 10:00 A.M. Commit to sixty minutes of  meditation before bedtime. If you are married with children, have your spouse keep the kids quiet and into bed by 7:30 PM. Wear a sleep mask. Play music of the rain forest with gently falling rain and weird bird calls. Get ready to wake up feeling refreshed and energized!

Third Key Step: A better you is only obtainable by eating organic, free-range, uncaged, home grown, whole grain, all natural, healthy food. Make sure it’s lactose, gluten, peanut, additive, preservative, and hormone free. Have no sodium, fat, or calories of any kind. The portions should be no larger than a quarter. In fact, it might be simpler to just go off food.

  Fourth Key Step: Do a stress cleanse. Remove all anxieties, fears, frustrations, irritations, annoyances, disturbances, interruptions, moodiness, rudeness, ugliness, and inconveniences. Insulate yourself from noisy, inconsiderate, ill-mannered, self-centered  humans. Separate from all stress inducing people and places as if your were separating yourself from the plague. I can’t stress this point enough.

 Lets review: The key steps to a better you are: (1) a ninety day commitment to becoming dedicated to the idea of fitness. (2) Sleep like the dead. (3) Get off all food, now. (4) Relocate to a distant, unpopulated, oxygenated planet.

I promised you four easy steps to a better you, at no cost. So be inspired to begin immediately. The thousand mile journey begins with the first step; and a job once begun is half done. So let me encourage you to get going and get half done!

Good Luck

(Look for the Messiah to be back in my next blog)